Be Strong Driver: When Coping Means Doing It Alone
- Cat
- 34 minutes ago
- 2 min read
In Transactional Analysis (TA), we talk about drivers which are unconscious ‘rules’ we often pick up in childhood about what we need to do to feel accepted, safe, or ‘good enough’. This post is part of a series exploring each driver in more detail. If you haven’t read it yet, the intro blog explains what drivers are and how they form.
Be Strong Driver: The Origins
The Be Strong driver is a set of internal rules that say something along the lines of: Don’t show weakness. Don’t need too much. Just cope on your own.
It often forms when, as a child, you learned that feelings weren’t welcome, or that needing comfort didn’t lead to comfort. You might have been encouraged to 'keep it together' and not make a fuss. Sometimes it develops when a child has to grow up quickly, emotionally, practically, or both.
You may have grown up with messages like:
“Stop crying.”
“You’re fine.”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
“Big boys/girls don’t cry.”
“Just get on with it.”
“You’re so brave.”
“You’re the strong one in this family.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Sometimes it comes from the role you fell into: being the helper, the peacemaker, the responsible one, or the one who didn’t add to the stress.
Be Strong: The positives and negatives
Examples of this driver
You might recognise Be Strong if you:
Downplay your struggles (It’s fine, I’m fine)
Feel uncomfortable receiving care or attention
Avoid asking for help until you’re at breaking point
Keep going even when you’re exhausted
Feel guilty for having needs
How it shows up in work & relationships
At work, Be Strong can look like being dependable and calm under pressure but also taking too much on, not delegating, and silently struggling.
In relationships, you might be the one who supports others but finds it hard to let yourself be supported. You may struggle to express your emotions, or admit you don’t know.
The hidden cost
The cost is often isolation, emotional shutdown, disassociation and depression. When you’re always coping, you can lose touch with what you feel and what you need and relationships can start to feel one-sided or distant.
A kinder message
Some permissions you can give yourself if you are a Be Strong:
“I can ask for support.”
“It’s okay to feel and show it.”
Try this reflection:
Notice one moment you automatically say “I’m fine.”
Ask: If I was allowed to be honest, what would I say instead?
Choose one small act of support: ask a trusted person for something manageable (a chat, reassurance, help with a task).
