Transactional Analysis Drivers: The Childhood Messages We Carry Into Adulthood
- Cat
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 10 hours ago
Why do I keep reacting like this?
Have you ever noticed you respond to stress in a way that feels automatic? When things get difficult, you might feel compelled to react or behave in a certain way to manage what you’re feeling. You might throw yourself into overworking, or you may withdraw and shut down from people. Maybe you start rushing around with a sense of urgency and overwhelm, or you get stuck in procrastination and overthinking and don’t get anything done. Or perhaps you go into 'people-pleasing' mode, putting everyone else before yourself. In Transactional Analysis (TA), one helpful way of understanding these patterns is through drivers.
What are drivers?
Drivers are unconscious messages we pick up in childhood about what we need to do to be accepted, safe, or good enough. They’re not your personality, they’re more like survival strategies your younger self developed.
They often sound like an internal pressure or rule, and have a familiarity to them from your early experiences in childhood:
“I must get this right.”
“I shouldn’t need anyone.”
“If I keep going, it’ll pay off.”
“I have to keep everyone happy.”
“Hurry up, there isn’t time.”
Drivers can be useful, and in fact used in a healthy way, they can help you achieve, cope, and get through difficult situations. The problem is that under stress they can become rigid, and what once helped you in the past to feel accepted, safe or good enough can start to cost you.
The five common drivers
TA typically describes five main drivers:
Most people have a primary driver (or two) and may notice others show up in certain situations, especially when they feel pressure, conflict, uncertainty, or fear of letting someone down. If you would like to explore each driver in more detail, click on the link above.
How drivers show up day to day
Drivers often appear in very ordinary moments. For example:
You rewrite an email five times because it doesn’t feel 'quite right'.
You’re struggling but tell yourself you should just get on with it.
You start lots of things with energy but feel frustrated when you can’t finish it properly.
You say yes when you mean no, then feel resentful.
You rush through tasks, then make mistakes and feel annoyed with yourself.
If any of these feel familiar, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you learned a certain way to manage life, and it may be time to update it.
Why drivers can lead to anxiety, burnout, low self esteem and relationship difficulties
Clients often come to see me when their drivers that once helped them to cope stop working in the way they used to. For example, I have had many clients come to me with a Be Perfect driver who used to feel in control by getting everything 'right', but now they’re exhausted, anxious, and stuck in overthinking and never feeling good enough. Similarly, a lot of my clients who kept everyone happy to help them feel safe in relationships, have sought therapy because they now feel resentful, taken for granted, or anxious about boundaries and saying no.
The goal isn’t to 'get rid' of a driver
A key point: therapy isn’t about removing a driver. It’s about building awareness and choice.
When you can spot your driver in action, you can pause and ask:
What am I telling myself I must do right now?
What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t follow this rule?
What would be a kinder, more flexible message?
What do I actually need right now?
That pause is powerful. It helps you respond from your present day self, rather than from a childhood adaptation.
Give yourself a healthier permission
In TA, each driver can have an antidote, essentially to give yourself a permission (or a mantra) that helps soften the pressure you are putting on yourself and bring you back into balance. You can make up your own permission but here are some examples.
Be Perfect → “I can be good enough.” OR “Mistakes are okay.”
Be Strong → “I can ask for help.” OR “It’s okay to express my feelings.”
Try Hard → “I can do it.” OR“I can take one step at a time.”
Please Others → “I can please myself too.” OR “My needs matter.”
Hurry Up → “I can take my time.” OR “Slow is okay, I’ll get there.”
Want support with this?
If you’re curious about your own patterns, and you’d like a supportive space to explore them, counselling can help. Together we can look at what your drivers are protecting, where they came from, and how you can respond to life with more freedom and self-compassion.
If you’d like to book a session (online or face-to-face in Brighton & Hove), feel free to get in touch.
