Try Hard Driver: When Effort Becomes the Goal

In Transactional Analysis (TA), we talk about drivers which are unconscious ‘rules’ we often pick up in childhood about what we need to do to feel accepted, safe, or good enough. This post is part of a series exploring each driver in more detail. If you haven’t read it yet, the intro blog explains what drivers are and how they form.

Try Hard Driver: The origins

The Try Hard driver is the inner push to keep striving, keep pushing, and prove you’re trying, sometimes without landing anywhere.

It can form when, as a child, effort was the safest route to approval, or when you learned you had to work hard to be noticed. Sometimes success felt unpredictable, so 'trying' became the thing you could control. For some people, finishing (or succeeding) felt risky because it might bring higher expectations, criticism, or being more visible.

You may have grown up with messages like:

• “You’ve got to work for it.”

• “Nothing comes easy.”

• “Try harder.”

• “If you stop, you’ll fall behind.”

• “You can rest when it’s done.”

• “I love how hard you try.”

• “You never give up, that’s what I admire about you.”

Sometimes the message is subtle: you were valued for being busy, useful, or trying hard, but not for simply being you.

Try Hard: The positives and negatives

Examples of this driver

You might notice Try Hard if you:

• Start lots of things with energy but struggle to complete them

• Feel restless when things are simple or straightforward

• Overcomplicate tasks

• Swing between intense effort and collapse

• Feel like you’re always behind

  
  

How it shows up in work & relationships

At work, Try Hard can look like enthusiasm and commitment but also scattered focus, missed deadlines, persistence in work related activities that may not be worth investing in.

In relationships, it can show up as trying to fix things, trying to be the perfect partner/friend, or working hard for connection while feeling unsure it will last.

The hidden cost

The cost can be burnout, frustration, and low confidence. If effort is the measure, you may never feel satisfied and you can end up believing you’re failing even when you’re doing a lot.

A kinder message

Some permissions for someone with a Try Hard driver might be:

• “I can do it.”

• “I can take one step at a time.”

  
  

Try this reflection:

1. Choose one small task you’ve been 'trying' to do.

2. Ask: What would ‘doing it’ look like in the simplest possible form?

3. Do the first step only, then pause and notice what you feel.

   
   

If you’d like support exploring this pattern, feel free to get in touch.