Stuck on Repeat in your Relationships? How to Recognise (and Escape) the Drama Triangle

Have you ever noticed yourself having the same argument with different people? Do you find yourself saying 'yes' when you really meant 'no', only to feel resentful later? Maybe you regularly catch yourself in rigid thinking, 'I'm in the right here' with a familiar surge of frustration. Or perhaps in your relationships, you feel others always seem to take control, and you feel powerless in being able to change the situation.

If any of this sounds familiar, you might be caught in what is called the Drama Triangle, and the good news is, once you spot it, you can step out of it.

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle is a bit like an invisible dance we do in our relationships. We learned the dance steps long ago, probably in childhood, and now perform them without even realising it. It's a pattern that plays out when relationships feel strained, difficult, or stuck on repeat. What we do unconsciously is repeat the dance moves that we got recognition for as children. Back then, the steps made sense then as may have helped us get love, or stay safe. But now? They keep us trapped in exhausting, inauthentic patterns that leave everyone feeling drained.

Take a moment to consider your own relationships. Can you identify that one friend who always seems to have a crisis but avoids taking responsibility to resolve it? How do you tend respond to them? Or perhaps you recognise the family member or partner who constantly gets involved in problems (including yours)? How do you relate to this person? Maybe there's someone in your life who can be judgemental and quite critical at times? What thoughts and feelings come up for you when you communicate with them?

The three positions

We all have a 'favourite' starting position on this triangle, though we can switch between them in seconds (or over days, months, years). The key thing? All three positions are based on inequality. We either see ourselves or others as "one up" or "one down" rather than as equal to the other person.

The Rescuer in relationships

'I'm good! I need to feel useful!'

The Rescuer is the person who can't help but help. They're the friend who always offers advice, the colleague who takes on everyone else's work, the parent who still does their teenager's laundry 'because it's easier to do it myself'. If you have a tendency to feel responsible for others, make sacrifices that discount what you want or need and feel compelled to step in and fix other people's problems, the rescuer may be a role you play when relating to others.

Example: Sarah notices her partner looking stressed about a work presentation. Without being asked, she stays up until 2am creating slides for him. When he doesn't use them, she feels hurt and unappreciated. 'I was only trying to help you', she thinks, feeling suddenly powerless and undervalued. The Rescuer assumes others can't cope without them, but they also discount their own needs in the process. Sometimes, they rescue to cover up inadequate feelings they have about themselves. Underneath, there's often a belief that 'I'm only lovable if I'm useful'.

The Victim in relationships

'I'm blameless! I feel powerless!'

The Victim feels stuck, helpless, and like life just keeps happening to them. Do you know someone who gets stuck in their own problems, and you feel inclined to come up with suggestions or get frustrated with them? You may notice a Victim pattern within yourself if you struggle to make decisions, react sensitively to others, and rely on others for support (rather than problem-solving yourself).

Just to note that this role is different to an actual victim of harm, abuse or inequality.

Example: Tom complains to his friends that he hates his job and feels trapped. When they suggest updating his CV or looking at courses, he responds with a variety of excuses or reasons why he hasn't done it. The underlying message is: 'I can't change this, I need someone else to fix it for me'. The Victim position can feel oddly comfortable because it means we don't have to take scary action or risk failure.

The Persecutor in relationships

'I'm right! I need to blame somebody!'

We all know a person who can be argumentative, bossy and feel righteous in situations. We might not like to see ourselves as a Persecutor, but there may have been times where we have adopted that role. If you tend to criticise, judge or make someone feel guilty, this could be your starting position on the Drama Triangle.

Example: After a stressful day, Maya snaps at her partner for leaving dishes in the sink. 'You never help around the house! I do everything!' She feels righteous in her anger, ignoring her own feelings and the reality that he'd actually done the washing earlier.

Underneath the Persecutor's critical exterior often lies deep-rooted inadequacy and self-criticism that gets projected outward.

How we switch positions

The drama escalates when someone switches position, creating a moment of shock or confusion.

Rescuer to Victim: 'I spent hours helping you, and you don't even appreciate it! I can't do anything right'. (The helper suddenly feels helpless.)

Victim to Persecutor: After asking for advice and rejecting every suggestion, the Victim snaps: 'See? I knew you wouldn't understand! It's all your fault I feel this way'. (The helpless one suddenly attacks).

Persecutor to Victim: After criticising someone, they turn it around when challenged: 'Why is everyone always having a go at me? I'm just being honest'! (The critical one suddenly feels attacked).

We can flit between these positions within a single conversation or over months and years in our relationships with others.

Why do we do this?

These roles aren't conscious choices. They're outdated strategies we learned in childhood. Perhaps you discovered that acting helpless got you attention, or that being critical kept you safe, or that caring for others made you feel loved. As children, these strategies worked. As adults, they keep us stuck in unhealt

hy patterns, responding to the past rather than the present.  I usually explore with my clients the recognition and messages they received (either positive or negative) in their childhood when they played out these positions, and what positions others have played both in the past and current relationships.

How to recognise you're in the Drama Triangle in your relationships

Ask yourself these questions after an uncomfortable interaction with someone:

• Did I feel drained, frustrated, or resentful afterward?

• Does this situation feel familiar, like I've been here before with different people?

• Was I trying to change, control, or get something from the other person?

• Did I say 'yes' when I wanted to say 'no'?

• Did I feel superior or inferior to the other person?

• Am I blaming someone (including myself)?

If you answered yes to any of these, you might have stepped into the triangle.

How to step out of the Drama Triangle in your relationships

The great thing about this piece of theory is that you have the power to step out of it, even if the other person doesn't change.

Move from Rescuer to Coach (being caring with clear support)

Instead of jumping in to fix someone's problems try to say 'I care about you, and I know you're capable of figuring this out. How can I support you'?

• Only help when explicitly asked

• Don't do for others what they can do for themselves

• Listen without taking on their problems as your own

• Set boundaries: 'I'd love to help, but I'm not available this weekend' or say no without feeling the need to over explain.

• Offer compassion over solutions

The shift: Trust that others are capable. And that your worth isn't dependent on being helpful.

Move from Victim to Survivor (being vulnerable with problem-solving)

Instead of saying 'I can't do anything about this', try to say to yourself 'This is really hard, and I'm struggling. I need support while I figure out my next step'.

• State what you want and need clearly

• Acknowledge your strengths and progress

• Ask for support, not rescue

• Take responsibility for your choices

• Accept that you have the power to change your situation (even if it's scary)

The shift: You're not helpless. You can be vulnerable and capable at the same time.

Move from Persecutor to Challenger (being assertive with transparent structure)

Instead of saying 'You never listen! You always mess things up!', try and say 'when you don't respond to my messages, I feel like you're not listening to me. Can we agree on plan to communicate better'

• Express your needs without being overbearing

• Set clear boundaries and expectations

• Ask questions instead of blaming

• Be accountable for your own feelings and actions

• Listen actively to the other person's perspective

The shift: You can be firm and clear without being critical or controlling.

Stepping out of the Drama Triangle isn't a one time decision, it's an ongoing practice that you can apply at work, in your friendships, romantic relationships, with your parents or your children. I do! You'll slip back in sometimes (we all do), and that's okay. The key is developing awareness so you can catch yourself earlier each time. When my clients stop playing their usual roles, they start to notice big improvements in their relationships with others and with their self. Its not easy, and yes there is discomfort. However, on the other side of that discomfort is something much better. Having authentic, equal relationships where you can be vulnerable without being helpless, caring without being controlling, and assertive without being critical.

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If you'd like support in recognising and stepping out of unhelpful relationship patterns, I offer both face to face sessions in Brighton and Hove and online counselling. Get in touch at catrionahomercounselling@gmail.com to explore how we can work together.