Understanding Ego States: The Three Parts of You

Do you ever wonder why you act a certain way in different situations? Maybe you snapped at someone and immediately thought, 'where did that come from'? Or perhaps you've felt small and anxious in a meeting or out with friends, even though you're a capable adult. These moments offer us a glimpse into what Transactional Analysis calls ego states and are the different parts of ourselves that show up in our daily lives.

What are ego states?

In Transactional Analysis, we recognise three main ego states that we all move between within seconds, minutes, and hours each day. There are called Parent, Adult, and Child. Think of them as different modes or channels we tune into, each with its own set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Let me introduce you to each part.

The Parent ego state

This is where we hold the voices, rules, and behaviours we absorbed from our caregivers and authority figures. It is also the part which stores 'learnt' social, religious and cultural beliefs. It can be nurturing ('Let me help you with that') or critical ('You should know better').

Signs you might be in your Parent ego state could be:

• You hear yourself using phrases, beliefs or values your parents or teachers used

• You feel indignant, outraged, or 'should-ing' yourself or others

• You're being critical or overly nurturing to yourself or others in a way that feels automatic

  
  

The Child ego state

This is where we store our earliest feelings and experiences. This part can be spontaneous, creative, and playful. But it can also hold our fears, adaptations, and survival strategies from childhood. When we are in our Child ego state, we are usually over adapting, we give up our power and discount our value, worth, and dignity.

Signs you might be in your Child ego state could be:

• You feel suddenly small, young, or powerless

• You're experiencing intense emotions that feel familiar from childhood

• You notice yourself adapting, being over polite, hiding your feelings, rebelling, or withdrawing

• You feel a strong sensation in your body (tight chest, butterflies, tension)

The Adult ego state

This is our here and now self. It's the part of ourselves where we process information, make decisions based on current reality, and respond flexibly to what's actually happening around us.

Signs you might be in your Adult ego state could be:

• You're considering options and weighing up what's appropriate right now

• You're curious and take time to respond rather than reactive

• You're able to acknowledge your feelings without being overwhelmed by them

• You're responding to the present situation, not unconsciously replaying your past

It's important to remember that ego states are unique to every person, shaped by factors such as past experiences, upbringing and cultural expectations and generational messaging. None of these ego states are necessarily 'bad', however problems arise when we're stuck in one state when another would be more helpful, or when old patterns and messaging hijack our present moment responses.

Ego state shifts in action

Emma arrives at a friend's dinner party. As she walks in, everyone is already chatting and laughing in small groups. Emma freezes in the doorway. Her heart races and she feels about 10 years old. Unconsciously, she has recollected a memory of back at school when she never knew where to sit in the school lunch hall. Thoughts arise such as nobody like me, I don't belong here. She starts laughing too enthusiastically and agreeing with everything people say even when she has a different opinion. Physically, her face flushes and there's a familiar tightness in her throat. Her body has stored the memory of when her mum would say, 'Why can't you be more outgoing like your sister'? Then the critical voice kicks in, the part which Emma has taken, internalised and developed from her mother's disappointment 'You're so awkward. Everyone else is so confident and natural. You're boring them' Now Emma is trapped in a loop. Her Child feels scared and inadequate, her Parent criticises her for being awkward, and as a result her Child adapts by trying to please everyone, convinced that everyone finds her weird.

If Emma could shift into Adult, she might start to notice her internal process. She might acknowledge she is feeling anxious and observe what is going on in her body. She may be able to recall the memory she is responding to. Emma could start to rationalise by telling herself she was invited here, and that her friends like her, otherwise they wouldn't be friends with her. She might even say share with her friends what is going on for her. This kind of authenticity often invites real connection rather than the performance her Child thinks she needs to put on.

How I Work with Ego States in Therapy

In the therapy room, I work with clients to strengthen their Adult ego state while exploring and diffusing the unhelpful parts of their Parent and Child. Many of my clients struggle with a critical Parent voice and adapted Child responses, which shows up in mental health issues such as anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, and burnout.

Together, we spend time getting to know these different parts, not to judge or eliminate them, but to understand where they came from and what purpose they once served. When clients start to become aware of these different parts of themselves, they are able to start updating them. I have seen many of my clients develop the capacity to choose Adult responses that fit far better with who they actually are and what they need rather than who they had to be back then.

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If this resonates, and you're struggling with patterns that no longer serve you, counselling can help you understand and shift these automatic responses. I offer both face-to-face and online sessions in Brighton and Hove. Get in touch at catrionahomercounselling@gmail.com to find out more.