Understanding Ego States: The Three Parts of You

Do you ever wonder why you act a certain way in different situations? Maybe you snapped at someone and immediately thought, "Where did that come from?" Or perhaps you've felt small and anxious in a meeting or out with friends, even though you're a capable adult. These moments offer us a glimpse into what Transactional Analysis calls ego states. These are the different parts of ourselves that show up in our daily lives.

Understanding Ego States in Transactional Analysis

In Transactional Analysis, we recognise three main ego states that we all move between within seconds, minutes, and hours each day. They are called Parent, Adult, and Child. Think of them as different modes or channels we tune into, each with its own set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Let me introduce you to each part.

The Parent Ego State

This is where we hold the voices, rules, and behaviours we absorbed from our caregivers and authority figures. It is also the part that stores 'learnt' social, religious, and cultural beliefs. It can be nurturing, saying, "Let me help you with that," or critical, stating, 'You should know better.'

Signs you might be in your Parent ego state could include:

• Hearing yourself use phrases, beliefs, or values your parents or teachers used.

• Feeling indignant, outraged, or 'should-ing' yourself or others.

• Being critical or overly nurturing to yourself or others in a way that feels automatic.

  
  

The Child Ego State

This is where we store our earliest feelings and experiences. This part can be spontaneous, creative, and playful. However, it can also hold our fears, adaptations, and survival strategies from childhood. When we are in our Child ego state, we often over-adapt, giving up our power and discounting our value, worth, and dignity.

Signs you might be in your Child ego state could include:

• Feeling suddenly small, young, or powerless.

• Experiencing intense emotions that feel familiar from childhood.

• Noticing yourself adapting, being overly polite, hiding your feelings, rebelling, or withdrawing.

• Feeling a strong sensation in your body, such as a tight chest, butterflies, or tension.

  
  

The Adult Ego State

This is our here-and-now self. It's the part of ourselves where we process information, make decisions based on current reality, and respond flexibly to what's happening around us.

Signs you might be in your Adult ego state could include:

• Considering options and weighing what is appropriate right now.

• Being curious and taking time to respond rather than reacting.

• Acknowledging your feelings without being overwhelmed by them.

• Responding to the present situation, not unconsciously replaying your past.

  
  

It's important to remember that ego states are unique to every person, shaped by factors such as past experiences, upbringing, cultural expectations, and generational messaging. None of these ego states are necessarily 'bad.' However, problems arise when we're stuck in one state when another would be more helpful or when old patterns and messaging hijack our present moment responses.

Ego State Shifts in Action

Consider Emma, who arrives at a friend's dinner party. As she walks in, everyone is already chatting and laughing in small groups. Emma freezes in the doorway. Her heart races, and she feels about ten years old. Unconsciously, she recalls a memory from school when she never knew where to sit in the lunch hall. Thoughts arise, such as, 'Nobody likes me; I don't belong here.' She starts laughing too enthusiastically and agreeing with everything people say, even when she has a different opinion. Physically, her face flushes, and there's a familiar tightness in her throat. Her body has stored the memory of her mum saying, 'Why can't you be more outgoing like your sister?'

Then the critical voice kicks in, the part Emma has internalised from her mother's disappointment. "You're so awkward. Everyone else is so confident and natural. You're boring them.' Now, Emma is trapped in a loop. Her Child feels scared and inadequate, her Parent criticises her for being awkward, and as a result, her Child adapts by trying to please everyone, convinced that everyone finds her weird.

If Emma could shift into her Adult state, she might start to notice her internal process. She could acknowledge her anxiety and observe what is happening in her body. She might recall the memory she is responding to and rationalise that she was invited there because her friends like her. This kind of authenticity often invites real connection rather than the performance her Child thinks she needs to put on.

How I Work with Ego States in Therapy

In the therapy room, I work with clients to strengthen their Adult ego state while exploring and diffusing the unhelpful parts of their Parent and Child. Many of my clients struggle with a critical Parent voice and adapted Child responses, which show up in mental health issues such as anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, and burnout.

Together, we spend time getting to know these different parts, not to judge or eliminate them, but to understand where they came from and what purpose they once served. When clients start to become aware of these different parts of themselves, they can begin to update them. I have seen many clients develop the capacity to choose Adult responses that fit far better with who they actually are and what they need, rather than who they had to be back then.

Finding Support and Making Changes

If this resonates with you and you're struggling with patterns that no longer serve you, counselling can help you understand and shift these automatic responses. I offer both face-to-face and online sessions in Brighton and Hove.

Get in touch at catrionahomercounselling@gmail.com to find out more.

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